If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The best revenge is premature balding
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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