dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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