uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
