My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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