and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize