dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
