Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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