Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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