he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Randomize
