Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
