The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
