i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
