i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
