girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
