I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
