Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
