I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
