I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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