Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize