the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Less talking, more tequila
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
