i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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