I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
