I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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