I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
