1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
