I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
