If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You are a genius and a whore.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
