i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
