Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she pinky promised me she was 18
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Congratulations! We have a period
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