My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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