You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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