Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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