PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
