need another drink. this is the easiest way
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
