The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm at about main and main street
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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