life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
FUCK WHALES
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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