Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
