My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
