??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
God I need to hump something, right now.
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