I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We named our party play list daddy issues
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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