My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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