I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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