someone threw a dead crab at me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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