Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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