The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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