yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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