rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As shirtless as possible
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
