i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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