No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize