It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
