I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What drink are we having for lunch?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
