Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
