I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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