feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
