I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
