I faked an abortion last night.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
