i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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