are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
